her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
