my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
The feeling are messing with the penis
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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