just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
