K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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