Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
