I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I just had sex on a roof
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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