i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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