YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
