My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
