I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Randomize
