I am puke
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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