1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize