I don't remember. Are we still dating?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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