we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
