By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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