There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
