i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
