apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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