margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
