I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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