I skipped work to stalk him.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
