Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
