Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize