I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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