You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
