thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
