just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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