I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
