My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
