I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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