I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
