I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Randomize
