So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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