It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
