Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Randomize
