if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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