i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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