My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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