ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
