You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
The feeling are messing with the penis
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
