I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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