what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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