She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
