I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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