last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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