Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Damn victory sex feels great
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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