Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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