I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
