I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
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