Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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