just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize