I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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