he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So much Jack, so little girl.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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