i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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