dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
