just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
