1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Randomize
