I smell stomach acid.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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