Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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