so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
